Writing it all down is definitely not easy. While writing my entry for June 19, 2018, I stopped so many times. I kept having doubts about what I should or shouldn’t write. Then I asked myself, why am I worrying about my life being boring, disappointing or uninteresting? Shouldn‘t I just embrace it as it is?
Here is the thing; my days are going to be different sometimes, and sometimes they are going to be the same so I am not going to just tell you what I do during each day, I want to tell you what I am struggling with that day or what I hate, love or dream about.
Today, I was frustrated, disappointed, conflicted and happy. I get frustrated with my job and disappointed that I didn’t get everything done. My teammates at work disappoint me a lot too. I feel like they don’t take the job as seriously as I do sometimes and they just don’t understand their responsibilities. I am not a do it halfway type of person. I like to give my 100% and when I don’t, I get so emotional.
When I woke up this morning, I declared that I would have a productive day, however, so far all I have managed to do is put away some laundry. I got a meeting at 8 am PST and I have a product launch schedule to plan and some promotions for different products to run. I also need to update 23 new listings and close them. That’s just the start of a long list of things I need to do and I have no idea how I am going to finish them all. Lately, I have been disappointing myself. I have not been giving work my 100% and though I have been getting more time for myself, at the end of it I just feel dissatisfied like I should have done more. I want to do more but sometimes it’s so hard to find the motivation to do so.
I had to speak with one of my teammates today because she isn’t doing her job. She keeps getting headaches or not getting enough sleep at nights so she can’t function during the days. I totally understand her struggle and so I have been trying to help her to cope and solve it by being understanding and cutting her some slacks. However, I don’t know what to do anymore because if the job isn’t done, my boss will not be satisfied. I am the type of person who just doesn’t want to give up on anyone. Even though Realistically we have to. I have fired so many people, and I just don’t want to fire any more persons. I feel so guilty when I fire someone because well I want to help them, but how do I help when they don’t put out the effort. I will spend hours training them, they say they understand and then the next day they do the total opposite of what I showed them to do. The bottom line is I am beginning to learn that even though I want to help I need to let go. I do sometimes miss that cold person I was 3 years ago. I was so hurt back then, so much so that I would have no remorse and well if I am being honest; people never took advantage of me. That girl, however, was sad most times and too busy trying to hide her sadness to even care about anyone‘s feels. I don’t want to be that person again. I tried to help my teammate by telling her to rest during the day whenever she is sleepy or allowing her not to come in at times when she hasn’t had any sleep and the list goes on and on, but I can’t allow it anymore because it is starting to affect productivity as tasks that are her responsibility are not getting done.
Sometimes it’s a struggle saying No and even when I know I am doing it for the right reasons I still feel bad about it because I just think I should always try to help others. My friend needed a favor for tomorrow, but I had to say no due to work. I always help out whenever she needs me but I have to be wise when it comes to time these days. I often feel used by the people around me as though I only serve one purpose in their lives and that to be there when they want something. I think the only person that doesn’t really make me feel like that is my mother and brother. I wonder if I am focusing on it too much, though; I guess I just look at how uncomfortable I feel to asks them to do something for me and how easy it is for them to asks me. Does this make me a bad person to talk about it? I am not saying I am at all regretting by any means helping the persons around me or even just being there when needed but I do wonder if they will do the same for me.
Taking chances has never been something I do. I took a chance today; I have officially entered the unknown. I posted about Lifetime Walk on Goodreads. I have no idea what will be the end result but I am going to be as optimistic and hopeful as possible. I will embrace whatever happens because if I don’t believe in myself, who will? When the year 2018 started, I told myself that I would take risks and have more fun, but I have been playing it safe so far. There is just so much possibility for failure and criticism. I think that is the very reason why have not told any of my friends or family about my blog.
Lunchtime is the time of the day that is often forgotten due to how busy I am with work. I don’t really have lunch very often, most times I skip lunch or maybe I have something that’s not very nutritious. Today I had bread and a banana smoothie which isn’t bad, which is not the norm for me. It’s not a complete meal, but I tend to eat whatever I have the appetite for. Usually, the only time I would eat a good lunch is when my mom is at home on a Monday. I am sure going to miss my mom for the few months that she will be gone. She called today and it was a good conversation as usual. Throughout my childhood and even now, she has always been supportive and very easy to talk to but I still hold a lot of things back. There are just somethings that I never talk about.
As for what is for dinner, I decided to do it differently today. I normally have fast food every day except on a Monday but today I decided to cook which for me is not an often occurrence. I cooked fried fish, coconut rice with lemon sauce. I really enjoyed it.
Stay tuned for my next entry.
Day: June 19, 2018